Says the woman sitting opposite me. Well-groomed and well-dressed, extremely attractive, she comes across as very confident at first glance. She is divorced, the mother of a grown-up daughter who means everything to her, and financially very well off. On the surface, her life seems fine. But of course there is a reason why she is sitting in my practice. The reason is a massive alcohol problem that has now irreparably damaged her liver. During our conversation, I asked her what qualities she values in herself. Outgoing, funny, helpful are the adjectives she uses. But I notice that she describes herself exclusively from the perspective of others. My friends say... or my colleagues think... . When I ask, ‘How do you see yourself? What do you like about yourself?’ the above answer comes. She doesn't really see herself in a positive light. And she doesn't want to talk about it any further. The conversation becomes visibly uncomfortable for her and shortly afterwards she expresses the wish to leave. Obviously I have touched a nerve. 

You are worthy of love!

A sentence I sometimes want to shout to my patients. A lack of self-love and compassion for oneself is common among many addicts. In my opinion, this is one aspect that makes it so difficult for many people to overcome their addiction. It also hinders the treatment of many other mental illnesses.

The self-compassion theory

The self-compassion theory was defined and systematically described for the first time by the American psychologist Kristin Neff. Self-compassion describes an attitude of benevolent care for oneself, especially in moments of suffering, failure and inadequacy. The theory is based on the idea that people should treat their own pain and mistakes with kindness and understanding, instead of criticising or judging themselves.

Self-compassion: a path to understanding and healing

Imagine you've made a huge mistake at work. Your first reaction might be to judge yourself: ‘How could I be so stupid?’ or ‘This will never be good enough!’ We're all familiar with this pattern – we're often our own harshest critics. This is precisely where the concept of self-compassion comes in, developed by psychologist Kristin Neff as an alternative to self-criticism.

Self-compassion means treating yourself as you would treat a good friend in difficult moments: kindly, sympathetically and patiently. Neff describes self-compassion as an attitude that consists of three central elements: self-kindness, humanity and mindfulness. But what exactly does that mean in practice and why does self-compassion play such an important role in crisis situations such as addiction or emotional stress?

What self-compassion is – and why it helps us

A simple example: Anna, a single mother, often feels guilty. When she gets loud with her children after a hard day, she is hard on herself: ‘I'm a bad mother.’ Instead of sinking into self-reproach, she could try to feel sorry for herself: ‘It was a long day and I did my best. To err is human.’ This change of perspective creates space for forgiveness while strengthening the ability to regulate distressing emotions.

It is precisely this connection to one's own humanity that is at the heart of the theory of self-compassion. We all fail, we all experience difficult times – but instead of isolating us, self-compassion helps us to feel connected to others. This attitude becomes a source of strength, especially when faced with challenges such as failure, loss or illness.

Self-compassion and addiction

One area in which self-compassion can have a particularly transformative effect is in dealing with addictions or substance abuse. Many people who struggle with addiction experience intense shame and self-criticism: ‘I've ruined my life’ or ‘I'm a failure.’ Such thoughts can fuel the vicious cycle of relapse and self-blame.

A self-compassionate approach could be to see a relapse as part of the healing process and to remind yourself: ‘It's hard to overcome an addiction, but every little step counts’. Research shows that this attitude not only reduces emotional suffering, but also makes you less likely to relapse. Through self-compassion, sufferers learn to cope with emotional pain without resorting to drugs or alcohol.

A specific example: in an addiction clinic, mindfulness-based exercises are often carried out in which clients are asked to imagine how they would treat a close friend who was ashamed of a mistake. They then adopt the same attitude towards themselves. This method helps to bridge the gap between self-criticism and self-support.

Scientific evidence and practical relevance

Studies show that self-compassion not only strengthens mental health but also improves physical well-being. People with a high level of self-compassion are more resistant to stress, less prone to depression and show healthier coping strategies. A research example: a meta-analysis showed that self-compassionate people not only suffer from burnout less often, but are also more motivated to take care of their goals and well-being in the long term.

Another example: in trauma therapy, self-compassion is used specifically to deal with shame. A war veteran who is marked by his war experiences can, for example, learn to calm himself by saying, ‘I acted under extreme circumstances and am now doing my best to find peace.’

Criticism and challenge

Of course, self-compassion is not free from misunderstanding. Some people believe that it can lead to carelessness or self-pity. But the opposite is the case: self-compassion does not mean avoiding responsibility, but rather approaching challenges with a benevolent and constructive eye.

Another obstacle can be cultural. In individualistic societies such as the US and Europe, self-compassion is often positively perceived, while in collectivist cultures it can be misunderstood as ‘selfish’. However, this view can be refuted through targeted education and practical examples.

Conclusion: An attitude for a more fulfilling life

Self-compassion is more than just a theory – it is a way of life that helps us to come to terms with ourselves. Whether dealing with failure, overcoming addictions or handling daily stress, self-compassion is an effective way to promote emotional resilience and healing.

Perhaps in difficult moments we can all ask ourselves: How would I treat a good friend? The answer to this question could be the first step towards a more compassionate way of dealing with ourselves – and thus towards a more fulfilling life.